When people throw baby chicks into trash compactors, chuck hamsters off the third story balcony at oncoming traffic, and even the last scene of the Notebook, all have left me un-phased. While I am talking about what has no effect on me right now, I want to talk about what does!
A seasoned veteran such as myself who has been hardened by such a hard life of doing nothing and not having hardship, is hardly ever swoon. There are few things in the world that make me melt, where if I was in a blinding rage, I would stop when confronted by these things.
TINY FRIENDLY ANIMALS:
But not too tiny.
I used to not care for animals, until I got to college...Where I was actually exposed to them. I was always, and kind of still am under the attitude, a pet better perform a function, or it's useless! So if your cat doesn't counter attack a snake like Riki-Tiki-Tavi, then I wouldn't want it. But it doesn't mean I won't play with it.
TODDLERS(3-7?):
For some reason the only ones that I am affected by are Asians, and Indians... Human babies are the one of the most dependent organisms in the world, when left alone they will most likely die on their own. Disgusting, tiny, fatties!
Anyways, their child-like faith, and blithe nature for some reason really takes me back. Believe it or not, I was once an attractive child, far from the marred Jonah Hex I am now today. And seeing little Asian children have fun makes me have flash backs of a better time as if I just had Ratatouille cooked by a mouse.
EXPLICIT CONTENT ENTRY:
One part of Kite Runner that I really liked, was how the narrator classified all sin, as stealing. If you murder, you are stealing life. If you lie, you are stealing the truth. If you commit adultery, you steal from yourself, your future/current beloved, and the person we all victimize, though he is far from a victim, God.
When I was young I was exposed to pornography well in my single digits without realizing what it was. I remember asking my dad one time if we could watch one of his VHS porn films when I found it messing around in his closet...thinking it was a full length family friendly presentation...
Anyways. It wasn't until 7th grade or so that the real seeds of sin were sown deep. I started downloading porn and I had gigs of it, before there were gig-hard drives. (multiple hard drives). And I was proud of it... I read up on sex and the female anatomy to prepare myself for any excursions I may [n]ever have as well...Bluntly put, I was a horn dog and a perv.
Fast forward, almost 10 years later, I was still caught in the sin. I struggled on and off but, never truly committed to breaking free(for the right reasons).
There's actually a lot of good stories that involve how God has chased me through these sinful pursuits. I remember one time, while I was 'doing good' and abstaining from it, where I couldn't resist/flee my lust anymore, and queued up a lot of porn-downloads and went to bed. The next day I went to my computer, ready to watch some porn, and tried to turn it on; the storm the night before had sent that derrtty little hard drive to hell. Somehow my computer was blown up while everything else in the apartment was fine. I tried to have my roommate(engineer) fix it, but he somehow made it even worse by setting something on fire...literally, there was smoke coming from my computer.
I was caught in the act, thrice(different people), yet it still wasn't enough to keep me from stopping... I had accountability partners, actual roommates; I had x3watch and all the works.
DAMAGE
Let's say... I averaged 3 hours of porn a week...for ten years...which is probably pretty gracious... Not getting in the specifics of leap years and junk, that's easily 1560 hours. I won't even bother getting into the details of where my time could have been allocated better. I probably still retain over hundreds of names of porn stars; I can recognize porn stars in an instant. Recently I saw a music video in which a porn star had a cameo for like 3 seconds, and I immediately knew who she was. I wiki'd it, confirmed it, and felt ashamed.
When I look at my life and how it has affected me, I don't think I can even begin to see the gravity of my sin. I just pray that this has no effect on me later... I also think about how much I have ruined the gift of sex for myself, as well. How sweet would it have been if we obeyed the Lord, and never knew what the other opposite sex looked like underneath their clothes, or to have never had a sexual experience before your wedding night, wouldn't that have been awkwardly amazing?!
People often think that when they get married the temptation will be over with, and the war on lust will be over, because you have a sexual 'outlet'. If that were true, there would be a lot less adultery. I have known/know married men that struggle with it, still. And the effects are catastrophic. Not only on the emotional level, either... I have heard stories in which this sin has actually affected the ability/performance of the husband to have sex with his wife. And he had to bare the guilt and be the 28 year old guy that takes Viagra. This isn't even getting into how often this plays a part in divorces.
SIN
This also hasn't even gotten to the bigger part of the picture. This is a sin! Sexual perversions are incredibly hated by God, it is very prevalent in scripture. Our bodies belong to Jesus, and they house the Holy Spirit! Sodom and Gomorrah, Curse of Ham, Lot's Descendants, Church of Corinth, Rape of Dinah, Civil war between the Benjamites and the other 11 tribes that practically annihilated them from continuing being a tribe of Israel... Unrepentant sin will get your ace beat. And I'm not talking about a small spanking; I'm talkin' 'bout gittin' BEAT...the kind where your teeth are on the curb, and your back looks like ground beef from getting scourged.
REDEMPTION
Why do I say all these things...because my heart breaks for all those stuck in this sin. This the last part of the big picture. Jesus saves. Jonah and the Ninevites, David and Bathsheba...Are great examples of how God graciously responds to repentance.
Ever since near the end of January, the Lord has been ridiculously gracious with me regarding this. While I came before him in January, he made my love for him so great I miraculously lost interest in pornography. Not to say I am free of the temptation of lust, because no guy ever is, but through the grace of God I have been free of this sin since January.
It's funny how things have changed. Sometimes I joke about becoming asexual... I may see an ad online, or even a scantily clad attractive woman in person, and be un-phased...and just comment on her shoes or how something looks bad... And I know it's not an issue with the piping.
Anyways. I use myself as an example to show how one of the worst offenders has been delivered and saved through grace...and I just pray all my brothers and sisters still afflicted from this will be set free from this prison and hate this sin as much as Jesus does.
More than any internet filter can protect you from, or accountability can keep you accountable for, this is an issue of the heart. Often there is more to it, than just being physically horny(depression, boredom). You have to be truly broken hearted, repent, and rely on Jesus. Bring it to the Lord, and let him weed out this sinful plant, before it wraps around other things in your life that will get uprooted with it.
To all my phantom readers that could not comment before, I have changed the commenting system so that all may comment.
The summer is coming and I feel almost ill-prepared. In general, before breaks, I usually try to come up with a ridiculous list of stuff to do. I usually barely get a third of it done before the break is over. I haven't made the list, but I can see a lot of random doors that God has been opening and just dumping stuff on my plate.
Mit: ::starcraft2 talk::
Mit: lol
Mit: ::starcraft2 talk::
George: ::starcraft2 talk::
George: ::starcraft2 talk::
George: hahaha
Mit: ::stacraft2 talk::
Mit: soo yeah
Mit: btw mack's in jail.
Mit: meant to say that earlier
Mit: want to play? :D
George: LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
George: aight, getting on.
I felt bad that when one of my best friends told me one of our best mutual friends was in jail, my first reaction was to laugh out loud. I think that's because in general my attitude towards guys is a lot different than towards girls. With bros I usually do not really miss them with a heavy heart when I am away or when they are.
It seems like a strange camaraderie in mutual understanding that we have to depart to accomplish what we have to. And in that, I cannot be sad for their departure. That doesn't mean I don't continually pray for them, or wish them well though...or that I am sad that they're in jail.
In this case, I knew Mit was/would doing/do everything for my friend, Mack, to get him out; Since, I'm in another city; There's nothing I could have done anyways. But, he's out now. Praise God.
George: So, how was jail?
Mack: felt real good
Mack: felt like massive crushing pain
Mack: the pain that breaks a soul
George: really? :[
Mack: and snaps a body like a twig
Mack: yes
Mack: jail is hell
Mack: except colder
Mack: i think it's just cause you have nothing to do
Mack: like seriously
Mack: just stare at the floor
Mack: or sleep
Mack: or do pushups
Mack: or make stuff out of toilet paper
Mack: aka
Mack: felt real good
I have been having the same dream...all my life...
CUE OMINOUS SOUNDTRACK.
From a third person perspective, I watch a future version of myself. The future me was woken up, startled by God's calling. My back was adorned with different tats, and for some reason I'm shirtless.
I hate being shirtless while sleeping. The present me was watching, as if an invisible specter. I looked around at the place I am at, mostly impressed, very minimalistic, modern, clean, and adult looking, a giant screen door right next to the bed was open, and the white thin curtains fluttered in the wind.
...--What an idiot, sleeping half naked, gon' catch a cold! I laughed amused at my future self.
Baby, what's wrong, a small woman moaned without moving, covered in a thin bed sheet.
Oh, I know why he's half naked now, git-that, git-it!!...--WAIT A SECOND; That better be your wife, sinner! The present me yelled at the future me, half-jokingly, but actually suspicious, but no one could hear. I walked around the bed to get a better look at myself.
I...need to pray, he said. The woman moaned in response without moving. The future me was on the side of the bed, with his face in his palms, feet on the floor. My joking mood slowly fell apart, as the closer I got to him, the more I could feel what he felt. I could feel how far and deep his heart has been broken. I sat on a chair opposite from him wondering what has happened... Whatever it was, it has been on his mind for a long time. His feelings overwhelmed me and I cried, but he remained composed.
Lost in his pain I began to stare through him. I must have waited like 15 minutes before he moved, waiting to see him. He lowered his arms and rested them on his knees. My first reaction was relief, that he didn't look like something else. His face looked the same as mine, except his cheeks were a bit more sunken in...and he had a well shaped chin-stubbled-beard. Due to me always having had white hairs and a baby face, I couldn't tell how old I was.
Immortal bastard! I jokingly harassed him.
But staring at him I could feel his age and wisdom, with oh so many scars from the afflictions of life. Here was a man that has had real problems.
I could see his love and desire for God far surpassed anything in this world. I was speechless and jealous. He broke my thoughts when he suddenly looked me in the eyes and said persevere, for greater challenges lay ahead and you will need the Lord. Don't be afraid that you will make mistakes, but be faithful and walk in his ways. Trust him, and desire him.
Then, I woke up.
In two days two people I know have had their cars broken into and had things stolen, not to mention my long board was jacked. Within the last week I found out a very good friend smoked crack. And just yesterday I found out a brother in Christ who I saw on and off for a few months has been arrested. Someone from my small group who just left the country to volunteer in South Africa for 'medical missions' just sent an email of hardships in his isolation. When everyone around you stops talking about school and actually have real problems is when you know you are old.
These things along with as I look through my older pictures I have come to a conclusion. I have aged. The slight changes to my face that has looked the same since my pre-pubescent joys of life, the new moles, and change in body shape have all pointed to this as well. I am now what would be considered an adult in shape...The reality of this year's hardships haven't left me where I was a year ago, either...The pressure of being a Godly man which I have long feared to hold the burden of is now beginning to be forced on me, and there is a strong fear. An unbiblical fear that doesn't deserve a place in me or anyone else.
I am usually not one to watch a full length presentation, more than once, if it's up to me. Why? You know what's going to happen! Even my favorite movie, Stardust, I have only seen three times.
There is one movie that I hate because I've seen it a lot... Having seen it once or twice early in my youth, it appeared through out the rest of my scholastic tenure. It has a total view count of at least 10.Another Teacher: Sorry guys, but Mr. Barber called in sick today, we didn't have time to call in a sub.
George: BAAAAALLIN.
Another Teacher: But don't worry! We're gonna watch one of my all time favorite movies!
cue Jurassic Park Theme Song.
Another Teacher: Welcome. To Jurassic Pahk!
George: fu*boop* this *boop* God *boop* from *boop* in a *boop* Jurassic *boop* again.
This happened usually two to three times every semester, in one of my classes before any major break, this would include Spring/Fall/Winter/Summer/MLK/Thanksgiving. Also the occasional surprise free day that teachers would give us was usually graced with this theatrical thriller.
There was a foolish moment that was in a day a few months ago where I thought something ignorant. As I was beginning to make progress through my 52 week Bible Reading plan that I started two years ago I thought to myself...When I finish the Bible, will I become stale and bored with it? So I just continued to pray that God reveal himself to me...And these past few week(s) have super humbled me. I know now, for sure that I don't know anything about anything from anywhere at anytime because of anyone but God.
It all started as an inquiry in Predestination/Election, that I got to learn a bit of the just side of God, and his wrath. Listening to sermons, reading commentaries/books, talking to seminary students/pastors/elders, and then a climax at a seminar put on by a seminary has led me on a wild lamb chase. Predestination/Election has led me to then look into freewill-> John Piper-> human depravity-> Calvinism-> Salvation-> Lukewarm-> Once saved always saved-> God's love-> Evangelism-> Irresistible Grace-> Malachi 1:2-3-> Romans 9:10-> Ephesians 1-2-> Revelations.
A by-product from all this learning I would say is a new awe-struck love for the Lord. A new stunning fear of him, not motivated because of my possible eternal destruction. A motivation that comes from my need to be with him. The feeling of obedience and to please him are new convictions laid into me from the Spirit that I do not wish to resist and would break my heart to do the opposite and have that disconnection.
Something that's been argued long since I dropped my first deuce, I don't think I will find a real answer to it for myself. But I know this, that my reaction will be the same, to worship him all my life. If you are curious I urge you to look into it for yourselves.
Recently I have begun a great purge in my life. I have been removing illegally attained files on my computer, usually affiliated with media/games/programs. In all the five prolific years in which I stole without second thought, never has there been conviction in my heart until recently.
What brought the Holy Spirit's conviction was a sermon a few weeks ago in which my pastor was discussing on when it comes to legalities, Christians are just as comparatively guilty to non-believers. As he went through the check list I just thought about what it was like for me.
In the work place Christians are just as likely to steal from the office.
HELL NAH.
Christians are just as likely to call in sick when they are not.
YUP.
Christians are just as likely to leave early/come late.
YUP.
Christians are just as likely to pirate music,
movies and software off the inter---HAEL, YEUH.
Since I am not currently employed anywhere I thought there was only one thing I could actively do to live out the change God wants. So, before I started deleting files I had less than 10 gigs on my computer of free space(out of 222gigs). Now I have over 92.
I used to download stuff just for the sake of downloading. The Asian in me would feel like my internet was getting its money worth. I downloaded educational material to make myself feel better under the pretense "Education should be free!", which I still in a way affirm. I could have learned Cantonese over four times if I actually used all my material...as well as around 27 other languages.
There was a time not so long ago when I would wear diapers, veins hooked up to IV fluid and game non-stop for days beating illegal games back to back. After each game, I would triumphantly rip off my diaper, wad it up, and slam dunk that ho into the trash. The diaper would hit the trash can so hard, all the stuff inside would fling out, usually destroyed from the force of impact. With rotten food and fruit peels/seeds on my face I would then challenge my roommate to "BEAT THAT, SUCKAAAAA!", then sit back on his chair, diaper-less and continue to game. I would then put on a pair of Huggies when I needed it.
As I was uninstalling the last classic hit game, that I never played but installed, it came to my attention all the wasted time all of this was and could have been. If I could have never stole any of this music or any of these games/movies, my time could have gone to something else. I could have learned to break dance/krump, read the Bible more, prayed more, read books, learn to fish, build stuff, go camping. Or maybe I could have learned how to build rockets and shoot them off after school in the hopes of being able to go into space while my dad wanted me to work in the coal mines to support the family.
In a way this sin has lead to death. It has also lead to me not having anything to listen to, besides looping the soundtracks of Gladiator, Mulan, Lion King, and Wedding Dress... But in a way it also gives me more time to work at the things that matter and in that I praise Him.
Lastly the programs I did not delete are the ones that I need for school(Adobe CS3 Garbahj). I'll buy them when I graduate...maybe.
